10    Spend it on people you have never met before
  9    Spend it on people you don’t like
  8    Spend it on people you suspect don’t like you
  7    Spend it on really expensive wine, when everyone is too far gone to appreciate it
  6    Spend it on holidays you don’t want to go on
  5    Lend it to idiots
  4    Invest in businesses run by idiots
  3    Play the stock market (the big boys have the rest of us by the balls)
  2    Think for one second it can ever buy you happiness
  1    Forget how hard you worked to earn it



10    Helipad
  9    Trout lake
  8    Hot tub (wooden – outdoor)
  7    Village shop in the kitchen
  6    Library
  5    Waterfall in the library
  4    Identical replica of my local pub
  3    Steam room
  2    Cinema
  1    Space




10    Short (I am 6 foot 2)
  9    A Manchester United supporter (I have always supported Liverpool)
  8    A petrolhead (I love cars but I know next to nothing about what goes on under the bonnet)
  7    Always hyperactive (I am very quiet and relaxed at home)
  6    A low-handicap golfer (I have been off 15 for years)
  5    Good mates with every famous person in the world (I barely know any of them)
  4    A pint lover (what I really love is good red wine)
  3    A huge Beatles fan (I love their music but know very little about them)
  2    Cash rich (I am permanently cash skint)
  1    A gadget person (I am in fact almost anti-gadgets)



10    Be aware it’s going to happen
  9    Figure out from which direction it’s likely to come
  8    Figure out the worst-case scenario
  7    Figure out how long will the stink last for
  6    Analyse whether it’s your fault
  5    If it is – accept it
  4    If it isn’t – stay cool but don’t react, yet
  3    Figure out whose fault it really is
  2    Warn anyone it may affect
  1    Buy some deodorant



10    Don’t fish for freebies
  9    Two great records are better than one poor link
  8    Don’t ignore research that says people don’t like you
  7    Listen to the listeners
  6    How you end what you say is more important than how you begin
  5    Empower your audience whenever you can
  4    Real people are generally more interesting than celebrities
  3    Always be positive
  2    Preparation, preparation, preparation
  1    Content, content, content



10    Michael Jackson on stage at the Brits
  9    Madonna in one of my favourite pubs after one of her gigs
  8    Bill Clinton at Elton John’s house
  7    The Queen at Radio 2
  6    George Harrison at Jools Holland’s 40th
  5    Clint Eastwood at a private screening of his new movie – none of us had any idea he was coming
  4    Dennis Hopper in the back of a minibus at St Andrews
  3    Mick Jagger wearing a blue track suit at 3 am in Chicago
  2    Michael Douglas in a meeting room at the Celtic Manor in Wales
  1    Half of the cast of Friends in my new kitchen